With all this hype about Zombie epidemics, and due to the late scare of Swine flu pandemic the voices in my head said "Jaron, its high time you came up with an escape plan". So I did. Now I'm kinda fond of Zombies, my favorite books consist of World War Z, Zombie Survival Guide, and Death Troopers. Movies like ZombieLand, 28 days later and Sawn of the Dead reach the top of my favorites list. Not to mention The Left 4 Dead video games I play so much. So hopefully with the knowledge I have gained from exposing myself to all this mind numbing media will help to formulate a successful escape plan. here goes!
News broadcast:
"Red alert, an unknown virus is infecting people everywhere. London, Paris, Beijing, Moscow, D.C., L.A. stay where you are, lock all doors, close all windows. Those near fallout shelters head there and seal your self from the outside. Do not leave your home, Do not contact loved ones. Stay put and wait for help....."
Now you see I have a few options here, do I actually believe what my government is telling me? Do I stay inside and hope for help? What if the "help" gets sick? Now every film and every game teaches me that those that don't take action usually end up eating brains or have theirs served up on a golden platter. I choose to go. Where to? First to find my loved ones, than north.
Basic Equipment:
What to bring? Im going to need to defend and protect myself. As I look around my room I see a few things that will come in handy. first and for most a weapon. Several swords are stacked in the corner (I collect swords). I choose the Katana. "Blades don't need reloading". It's a longer, lighter sword. I can remove the head of any zombie quick and at a good distance. Several knives from my wall and for just incasies my paintball gun, (Till a real one comes along). for the time being I am armed, now to look for protection. Paintball mask (to keep blood and guts from getting into my eyes and mouth), paintball gloves, heavy denim pants, long sleeve shirt, and canvas jacket. All items that are readily accessible . Now for a very big sacrifice, do I take my beloved converse or my steal toe boots? Last but not least my brother Jason (my best mate).
Provisions:
My family is pretty big on food storage, so I take all the dry goods and canned food. Toss it into a cooler, and into my trunk. Lots of bottled water. Matches and lighters (bring both, one will fail), Sleeping bags, GPS, basic tool kit (hammer, bolt cutters, screw drivers, saw, etc...). but I'm not leaving without one big piece of information. "The Zombie Survival Guide". Every house hold in America should have this, next to their bible.
Travel:
My 1994 ford explorer and my brothers 2001 Jeep should do me well for now, that is unless the undead are attracted to purple SUVs. When selecting a car you should look for one that has good clearance from the ground and has 4x4 capabilities, you never know what obstacles you will have to climb; rocks, buildings, or even bodies. Raid your house for credit cards, pick pocket every body you can for their plastics. the reason: so that you can start the pump automatically by the 'pay at the pump' option and not risk your life walking in to the station to manually start the gas. If the power is out, or the card is rejected you better hope there is no brain hungry fiend behind the cash register. ONLY TRAVEL IN DAY LIGHT!
Look out here we come:
Weapons in hand, "armor" dawned, food in the trucks, and my brother by my side we make our way to our friends homes. Once their, (and assuming they are still among the living) we do the same for them. Basic equipment, provisions, then load them all up in the vehicles. For the Blonde girlfriends, a nice box of brown hair dye. Movies have taught me well. The blonde girl is the first to go. So we fix that, no blondes.
Upgrade:
Friends safe and secure, its time to upgrade. Paintball masks and 18 year old cars wont help where we are going. first stop, gun shop. Any gun is better than no gun. Guns of choice: first and foremost the shot gun. any fully automatic gun, a hunting rifle is a great, lots of power. Remember money is no issue the owner of the shop is probably already a zombie. If not make friends and invite him along . Stock up on everything, take all the ammo, and any gun that fits. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR SWORD! Just because you have firepower does not mean you can abandon your blades. "Blades Don't Need Reloading"! Now for new wheels. For me we upgrade from the Explorer to a nice FJ crawler, black please. Best case scenario: there is an abandon one on the side of the road. Worst case scenario: battle Royale between zombie salesman and my crew. No matter how its done, that car will be mine. Upgrade armor. Paintball mask become gas masks. Canvas becomes Kevlar, bullet proof vest worn under jackets (prevents harm from teeth and nails).
Head North and Pray Gore is Wrong: Don't head for the coast, it is highly populated. Stay together and head north. Why? Its cold, zombies can't function in the cold. They have no blood, no warm liquid to keep them from freezing. They will essentially turn into one giant popsicle, that is if global warming is a hoax. Travel during the day, stop at abandon grocers to get canned food, and bottled water. Don't hunt wild life, you have no way of knowing if they carry the virus. If you have no other choice make sure its cooked throughly. Try to avoid stopping. At night one vehicle sleep while the other stands guard. Do NOT wonder off alone. Once you have reached a cold place make yourself a home, one home for all (separate homes are harder to protect). Do not let your guard down. Just because you have reached your destination does not mean its over. Send scout groups in to populated areas to get info, and previsions, but only during the day. You may have to live the rest of your life this way. Hope you love the people you save.
How to Kill the Dead:
Take off the head, by any means necessary. If that is not an option, take off the limbs. This will only slow them down, but it will give you better opportunity to destroy the brain. And like we learn in Zombieland "double tap" its better to be safe than sorry.
Z DAY:
This day will be a hard day. People you love will be lost. Your strenghts tested, your true characteristics will shine through. Prepare yourself now and your will survive.
(This blog is all fun and games. Z day will not really happen... but seriously)
